Gracy Bee

My Great Grand Mother

Posted on May 20th, 2008 by GracyBee.
Categories: Memory Lane.

Been very quiet and not updating my blog for ages, been busy with work that can really drained me of my energy. Meantime, I’m also waiting for photoshop to be installed in my new computer, so updating of my Cambodia trip shall have to wait

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Feeling quite down today and feeling vexed to continue doing my work, I chanced upon a mum’s blog and I was reading her recent article of her dad’s passing away. I can feel her frustration and sadness, and most of all, was guilty stricken as she wrote she was not able to spend time with her dad as she is in other country with her husband (working overseas) and was not at his bedside during his last moment.

Reading her article has made me pondered and thought of those my beloved close relative’s passing. Of my lifetime, the closest relatives that I know had passed away were my grand great mother and maternal grandmother when I was in Pri and grand aunt abt 3 years ago.

Of the 3, I had not attended my great grand mother’s funeral,  because she died in China and at that time I was in Primary 3 and couldn’t travel due to some chinese’s beliefs that I don’t know of. And I didn’t think much abt it, until recently I felt that I missed her a lot despite the fact she was gone for nearly 20 years.

She was gone for that long already? I didn’t even realise that.

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Accordingly to my parents, she was my baby sitter from the day I was born till the day I was sent to Singapore for studies in 1986. I remember of her presence and my strongest memories of her was sitting at her dining table eating her dinner. As she was a strict vegetarian, she don’t have her meal together with the rest of us downstairs. I would always run to her when she was having her dinner. On her table, was the same dishes everyday without fail. The next I remembered was her little garden upstairs where she would go and do some watering in the evenings. Her friend who visited her frequently for gossip and companionship.

I was born into the traditional chinese belief that boys were much prefered than girls. Yet, despite that, I felt loved and taken care of by my GGM  and grandparents. Perhaps that was partially because we were the great grandchildren, but that was beside the point. Many of my childhood stories was told to my parents from my GGM. If she was not taking care of me, how were there so many stories to tell?

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Fast forward to the year 1986 when I was sent to Singapore for studies. I don’t remember much and  don’t know why my GGM was not in the picture when I left her. At that time, I was excited of my new surroundings that I don’t think abt my life in Malaysia.

It was only in recent years that my parents told me how upset my GGM was when she found out that we were sent to Spore for studies and was in daily arguments with them. Why was that not captured in my memory? After we were gone, she was looking forward for our return during our school holidays and demanded that we travelled in style when we come back.

The next thing I knew, she was back to China, and shortly after, the news of her death. It was told to me via my aunt in Spore. Strangely that time, I don’t feel much abt it.

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Again, it was in recent years that my parents revealed that my GGM demanded to go back to China just months before she can gain her PR in Msia and said that she missed home in China and don’t feel any more purpose to live in Msia. She refused to give in despite my grandfather and parent’s trying to convince to stay a bit longer. While she was packing, one of the things that she packed was our family photos, and my bro and myself’s protrait photo taking during that time. Think it was shortly after, she passed away at the age of 98.

Now that I know of all these, I felt guilty myself that I was not at her side and during her last moment. I was one of her loved great grand child, how can I not done the simplest thing to be with her? This question still ponder me: did she make the decision to go back China partially because we were not there by her side anymore? I haven’t even gone back to my ancestral village and visit her grave.

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Thinking back of her life, I really marvel at her determination and endurance. At a age of about 30+, she lost her husband, and came to Malaya to join my grandfather who has just found a business. I wonder how for the next 50 years, without any education, armed with only her Heng Hua dialect, not many people she know there and any known entertainment and technology she managed to live her life in Malaysia after leaving behind her home in China. Putting that into my own shoes, I know it was not a easy feat, after facing the similar situation when I went to England, and I was already living in the technology savvy 21st century!

I know that she was resourceful as she run the household and despite the age of 70 - 80+, she lived a healthy lifestyle and taking care of her grand children (my dad, uncles and aunts) and great grand children.

Now that I’m overseas to pursue my career, I faced the same struggle of not being able to be with family, in fact for the last 20 years. Should try my best to go back visit them as much as I can.

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I can’t undo the history, but the very least I can do is: Rest in Peace, my GGM. I have missed you all these while.

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